Monday, November 27, 2017

The News We Get

Music: R.Lum.R "Frustrated" We wake up in the morning and drop to our knees. Happy to be alive and well, so see another day. We say our prayers, kiss our kids and start the day. Ygou get your breakfast, send the kids off, and start the work day. the day progresses with bumps and blips, but your persevere through, come home, start the evening. cook dinner, help with homework, tidy up, and return to your knees to discuss how thankful you are for the success of the day with Jesus, go to bed to rinse and repeat. This is usually how the normal functions. Only variables are those without children or living the empty nest life. But, a handful us wake up hopeless, devoid of faith for the day. We wake up, still thankful for the day, but the prayer is different. After thanking the Lord for waking us up, we pray for the strength to get moving. We make cover-up jokes "The bed is holding me hostage" "it's so warm in here, i'll just be a burrito." In essence, it's us covering up our outside world avoidance,. See, we cover it up with ourselves before we cover it up for you all, the normal world. Then we have to pray for the hope and faith we pray for everyday. The hope and faith that waivers all day, but not before reciting the age old scripture: 1 CORINTHIANS 10:13 GNT Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out. EVERY DAY. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. then we reconcile it with, "well, I guess i can handle it because here we are, a new obstacle." It's one thing to already feel hopeless for yourself, and you try to hide these ill feelings. Things that carry diagnosis, attached to CPT codesd and ICD-10 codes. CPT codes 99201-99205 or 99215; F33.2 - Major depressive disorder, recurrent severe without psychotic features; or even 2014 ICD-9-CM Diagnosis Code 296.3 : Major depressive disorder recurrent episode. ICS-9 300.4 depression with anxiety. the list goes on. i was even dagnosed with PTSD. it's so long ago, that i can get by nowadays without mentioning it to a doctor because my DX codes would change on that good old HCFA 1500 form. And this Trump country, now a pre-existing condition. My new hampering: my child. My first born. The 1st half of my heart. my twin. He too has no hope for his future, no matter how much i fake it and promise him the future. i think he knows im lying through my teeth. my youngest loves the facade and excels through. my oldest child's school goal is to get old enough to drop out. so to add his hopelessness on top of my hopelessness, and then for people to confirm the fears of the future based off of paper and numbers. im crashing and burning, and no one is there to put the flame out and OMG dont tell me to pray! i do it all day, everyday. things are happening around me and i can't control it nor fix it. That bothers me. it bothers me that i can't make this world great for my children. how can i fix the world if i can't fix myself? it bothers me that my child is unhappy as me, but fakes his way through the world. thats not what i want for them. i lost my joy. i want them to exude it. i want them to fly through this world prepared to conquer anything. i cry everyday JESUS HELP ME! PLEASE HELP ME! but im at a point of screaming WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? AM I DOING IT RIGHT? WHY ARE YOU HELPING ME? I know it isn't right. We're taught not to question God. but i'm questioning everything. MY Faith fell years ago. My joy died years ago. My hope fell years ago. Faith without works is dead, but all i have is the works, no faith. how can i fix this? how do i fix me? yes, my goal is to ix everything. I am Me, I am we.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


I finally decided to let everything go i was dealing with. Me and Bear talked finally after a few years of pent up feelings. The talk has come up before but seemed to be going in one ear and out the other. But this time seemed different. The look in his eye was different as well. The look was filled with sincerity and empathy for what i was feeling. It felt good to get all of that pain i was carrying on my shoulders for the past 4 years and get the closure i needed. The weird part is that it came out dealing with a conversation about housework. You see, I've always been a weird child. A Maniac in my mind. I for some reason cannot come clean with my true feelings an it seems to take something else to happen to make my feelings flood out. I'm still trying to figure out why that happens. Right now things on the back side of me are happening and my new found happiness is turning back into depression an for some reason the block went up. But this time it's a decision thing. The situation at hand I'm not sure if i should talk about it especially when i was told not to or if Bear should know. its starting to seem as if my little pocket of sunshine is fading away from me. i think it's time for me to take a visit to my dad's grave and have a little talk with God.