who what where when why WTF WTH??

so far 2009 is suckin balls.  ive come to terms that i have some severe issues and may need to seek professional help.  but before i do that, i need to figure out where my issues are coming from.  so i managed to round out a few possibilities

• forgiving and forgetting the past
• my marriage the past present and possible future
• my self-destruction---feeling of failure in my life

I also struggle with happiness:  with myself and from others.  i feel like a misery, a burden  im told it's not the case but nothing reciprocates.  the actions are not shown.  

so alot of the times i feel like curling in a ball i the corner to escape the world.  to be very honest and clear, if it weren't for my kids i probably would not be here.  my breaking point have been very oblivous to those who know me.  i have really come to conclusions in my mind that the world would be better off with out me.  maybe thats why i'm in so much pain in life because i've had these thoughts about death so much in my life.  since my father's death, death has haunted me  i think about it constantly and i'm not sure how healthy that is.  i pray that i live long enough to see my kids become successful.  i cry everyday sometimes inside and sometimes outside.  i struggle with myself inside and out.  i don't know how long ive been battling the war in my mind it seems like forever but now i'm not sure if i want to just throw in the towel or fight this war and win it.  somethings have to change but what??