Understanding

I finally decided to let everything go i was dealing with. Me and Bear talked finally after a few years of pent up feelings. The talk has come up before but seemed to be going in one ear and out the other. But this time seemed different. The look in his eye was different as well. The look was filled with sincerity and empathy for what i was feeling. It felt good to get all of that pain i was carrying on my shoulders for the past 4 years and get the closure i needed. The weird part is that it came out dealing with a conversation about housework. You see, I've always been a weird child. A Maniac in my mind. I for some reason cannot come clean with my true feelings an it seems to take something else to happen to make my feelings flood out. I'm still trying to figure out why that happens. Right now things on the back side of me are happening and my new found happiness is turning back into depression an for some reason the block went up. But this time it's a decision thing. The situation at hand I'm not sure if i should talk about it especially when i was told not to or if Bear should know. its starting to seem as if my little pocket of sunshine is fading away from me. i think it's time for me to take a visit to my dad's grave and have a little talk with God.

who what where when why WTF WTH??

so far 2009 is suckin balls.  ive come to terms that i have some severe issues and may need to seek professional help.  but before i do that, i need to figure out where my issues are coming from.  so i managed to round out a few possibilities

• forgiving and forgetting the past
• my marriage the past present and possible future
• my self-destruction---feeling of failure in my life

I also struggle with happiness:  with myself and from others.  i feel like a misery, a burden  im told it's not the case but nothing reciprocates.  the actions are not shown.  

so alot of the times i feel like curling in a ball i the corner to escape the world.  to be very honest and clear, if it weren't for my kids i probably would not be here.  my breaking point have been very oblivous to those who know me.  i have really come to conclusions in my mind that the world would be better off with out me.  maybe thats why i'm in so much pain in life because i've had these thoughts about death so much in my life.  since my father's death, death has haunted me  i think about it constantly and i'm not sure how healthy that is.  i pray that i live long enough to see my kids become successful.  i cry everyday sometimes inside and sometimes outside.  i struggle with myself inside and out.  i don't know how long ive been battling the war in my mind it seems like forever but now i'm not sure if i want to just throw in the towel or fight this war and win it.  somethings have to change but what??