Understanding

I finally decided to let everything go i was dealing with. Me and Bear talked finally after a few years of pent up feelings. The talk has come up before but seemed to be going in one ear and out the other. But this time seemed different. The look in his eye was different as well. The look was filled with sincerity and empathy for what i was feeling. It felt good to get all of that pain i was carrying on my shoulders for the past 4 years and get the closure i needed. The weird part is that it came out dealing with a conversation about housework. You see, I've always been a weird child. A Maniac in my mind. I for some reason cannot come clean with my true feelings an it seems to take something else to happen to make my feelings flood out. I'm still trying to figure out why that happens. Right now things on the back side of me are happening and my new found happiness is turning back into depression an for some reason the block went up. But this time it's a decision thing. The situation at hand I'm not sure if i should talk about it especially when i was told not to or if Bear should know. its starting to seem as if my little pocket of sunshine is fading away from me. i think it's time for me to take a visit to my dad's grave and have a little talk with God.

french cheese!!!

so i'm checking out this website and i'm in foodie heaven!!!

I see prosciutto-wrapped brie bites!!! i want them. i want them bad!! i don't care how unhealthy they just might be!!!!
all kinds of recipes for goat cheese---mmmmmhhhmmmmmm goat cheese!!!
chocolate and cheese? best thing ever!!! gruyere and dark chocolate? heck yeah!!

I'm not too much of a blogger (i kinda suck at it!!!) but i am loving this site cuz i love cheese!!!!!
there is lots of recipe ideas. I want all the feta and bleu cheese. once again i am totally aware of how hattening it is lmao! i want them!!!

i also want $25,000. any takers?

well heres the link to the site: iledefrancecheese.com

well kids TTFN!!!

Memories--Time to let all bad ones go

i'm just getting all out. the way i tried to get them out backfired on me so i'ma do it this way

1. witnessing the abuse of my aunt from my uncle when she had breast cancer
2. watching her die as the result because he wouldn't get her treated even when the cancer literally was the size of an orange coming out of her breast
3. my father leaving me and my brother alone to go get high and fuck around with some chicks
4. my mom and dad always arguing about money being spent up
5. my father committing suicide.
6. my grandparents alienating me
7. my grandmother reminding me how my dad did drugs and how it's my fault it happened
8. being ridiculed for missing a parent
9. seeing my father on the news after his suicide
10. my step-fathers alcohol abuse
11. my step father abusing me because of the alcohol
12. CPS being called on my mom
13. Anthony Michael Preacher II. Enough said
14. no longer suffering physical abuse but now suffering verbal and mental abuse
15. my cousin dying from a train wreck
16. going to college
17. being cheated on in 2006
18. being blamed for everything wrong and complained about
19. apparently failing as a mother and wife
20. dealing with alcohol abuse all over again this time towards my child becuase of enablement and misjudgment
***Edit April 5, 2009***
21. CPS being called on me
22. Someone using me as a scapegoat to their own problems created before i was anywhere in the future.

and here i am to February 7, 2009 full of fear and confusion

lemony sunshine cupcake

from food network ultimate recipe showdown

Lemony Sunshine Cupcakes
Ingredients
For crust and topping:
1 1/3 cups shortbread cookie crumbs, (22 Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies)
1/4 cup granulated sugar
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
For the batter:
8 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1/2 cup sour cream
2 large eggs, at room temperature
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup water
1 small box (3.4 ounce) instant lemon pudding
1 (18.25 ounce) box lemon cake mix (recommended: Betty Crocker Super Moist)
1/3 cup lemon curd
Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 standard muffin tins with 16 foil cupcake liners; set aside.

Place shortbread cookie crumbs, sugar, and melted butter in a medium bowl; stir until well combined; set aside.

In the mixing bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat cream cheese and sour cream until smooth. Add eggs 1 at a time and mix just until combined. Scrape down sides of the bowl. Add vegetable oil, water, and the box of lemon pudding. Mix until combined. Add cake mix and beat on medium speed for 2 to 3 minutes. Batter will be on the thick side.

Place a slightly heaping tablespoon of shortbread cookie crumb mixture into the bottom of each prepared muffin cup. Use your fingers or the bottom of a small glass to firmly pack crumbs into the bottom of each cupcake liner. Reserve remaining shortbread cookie crumb mixture for topping.

Use a 1/4 cup spring loaded ice cream scoop and place a level scoop full of batter into each muffin cup.

Load the lemon curd into a small sandwich size resealable bag, removing the air from the bag before sealing. Squeeze the curd to 1 corner of the bag and use scissors to snip a 1/4- inch piece from corner of bag; set aside.

With a damp finger or the end of a wooden spoon dipped in water, make a shallow indentation into the center of each cupcake. Pipe 3/4 to 1 teaspoon lemon curd into each indentation. Sprinkle tops of cupcakes evenly with remaining shortbread cookie crumbs.

Bake for 21 to 23 minutes, rotating pans halfway through baking, until edges of cupcakes are lightly golden brown.

Serve cupcakes warm from the oven or at room temperature.

kewl giveaway

Win $1000 worth of Chef's Knives!

From FoodServiceWarehouse.com

Windmill Cookies

SPECULATIUS COOKIES - WINDMILL
1 lb. butter
2 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. sour cream
1/2 tsp. soda
4 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. ground cloves
4 1/2 c. flour
1/2 c. chopped nuts
Cream butter and brown sugar. Sift together flour, soda and spices. Add sour cream alternately with sifted dry ingredients. Stir in nuts. Knead dough into rolls, 2 inches thick. Wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for a few hours or overnight. Cut into slices and bake at 375 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes.

Another Giveawy: Stremick's Heritage Organic Milk

Hi FOllks!!  justs sharing another giveaway from www.prizey.net

this is cool for me because i've been getting mighty crunchy lol

here's info on the organic milk from: http://www.mommieswithcents.com/2008/12/giveaway-heritage-foods-organic-milk.html
 -Stremick's Heritage Foods has more then 35 years of experience producing dairy fresh products. -Heritage Organic Milk is “certified organic,” which means that a third-party agency inspects the milk and guarantees that the cows are fed only naturally grown corn and grain, and graze on pastures that are free from synthetic pesticides, herbicides and fertilizers. -The Real California Seal certifies that Heritage Organic Milk is 100% from California dairy farms and meets standards that offer improved taste and nutritional benefits. -64-oz. product is available in four choices of organic milk: fat free, low fat, reduced fat and vitamin D. -Heritage also offers organic milk with omega-3 DHA in low fat, reduced fat and vitamin D varieties -- essential for a healthy mind, body and heart. -Milk is sold at most Vons, Pavilions, Ralphs and Albertsons.

go quick because the giveaway ends at 11:59pm tonight!!!!  1/12/09

who what where when why WTF WTH??

so far 2009 is suckin balls.  ive come to terms that i have some severe issues and may need to seek professional help.  but before i do that, i need to figure out where my issues are coming from.  so i managed to round out a few possibilities

• forgiving and forgetting the past
• my marriage the past present and possible future
• my self-destruction---feeling of failure in my life

I also struggle with happiness:  with myself and from others.  i feel like a misery, a burden  im told it's not the case but nothing reciprocates.  the actions are not shown.  

so alot of the times i feel like curling in a ball i the corner to escape the world.  to be very honest and clear, if it weren't for my kids i probably would not be here.  my breaking point have been very oblivous to those who know me.  i have really come to conclusions in my mind that the world would be better off with out me.  maybe thats why i'm in so much pain in life because i've had these thoughts about death so much in my life.  since my father's death, death has haunted me  i think about it constantly and i'm not sure how healthy that is.  i pray that i live long enough to see my kids become successful.  i cry everyday sometimes inside and sometimes outside.  i struggle with myself inside and out.  i don't know how long ive been battling the war in my mind it seems like forever but now i'm not sure if i want to just throw in the towel or fight this war and win it.  somethings have to change but what??

Shoo Shoos giveaway

http://www.coolbabykid.com/2008/12/new-shoes-on-block-smileys-by-shooshoos.html

i love these shoes!  so i'm crossing fingers i win!!! have 2 kids and i'ma preppy-kid dressing mama.  i can picture the little outfits with my turkey witht he pink Mary-janes and my boy witht he tan ones(he's too big for them now lol)!! This giveaway is being posted by CoolBabyKids ending January 15, 09 so hurry up and go there!!!! there are extra enteries available as well.  The shoes ont he web ist are the cutest things ever!!  Almost, i said almost, wants to make me have one more boy and girl so i can buy 2 of each!!!  Enclosed is a link tot he original giveaway and the website it'self!

here are pictures of my favorites

http://www.shooshoosusa.com/

Two-oh-oh-nine is here!!!!!!

Well the close of last year has come and gone!  Last year I accomplished alot and I hope to accomplish more this year.  Bear came home Christmas day after stressing me out and running me in circles so he could suprise me.  Monkey turned 4 on December 26th and had a wonderful birthday.  i got a Nintendo DS for Xmas from Bear.  

I plan this year to:  

lose 30 lbs
Keep the weight off
GET IN SCHOOL!!!
become a better wife, mother, and person
Love Stacy
become more organized
consider Lap Band----research first
complete 4 scrapbooks
1.  turkey
2.  MOnkey
3.  Bears career
4.  our courtship and marriage   (on October 29th this year we willhavebeen together for 10 years)

well TTFN!!!